Open Letter To The Guy At The Gym

Dear Guy At The Gym,

You are a bad ass, of that there is no doubt. You are ripped and you look tough. Don't think I haven't noticed the new tattoo either, because I have. And even though black ink tribal work went out of style maybe 10 years ago, I do admit that the curves in the design compliment your (what would you call this?) "arm muscle profile" quite well.

Please read the first two sentences of the first paragraph again. By the way, a "sentence" is made up of all the words before a dot - so stop reading after 2 dots.

Done? Good. I want you to understand something. Recognize that I am not the only one who knows you are a bad ass, are ripped, and look tough. Everyone at the gym knows this. In fact, anyone who walks into the gym for 15 seconds when you are in there most likely picks up on this.

So you can stop being an a**hole.

I'm pretty sure you are training for some sort of mixed martial arts competition, so I get the cockiness. But this is Huntington Beach, and I can think of at least 3 gyms that specialize in MMA training. So why are you coming here?

Moving on...

Everyone does a double take when that older guy comes into the gym in 4 inch pumps and lipstick. I mean, the guy sticks out, well, like a guy in 4 inch pumps and lipstick. Hell, I may have done a triple take the first time I saw him. But the difference between you and me as it relates to this guy is that this guy is not afraid of me.

Also, I'm glad I'm not a girl between the ages of 21 and 25. Because you are way creepy. And speaking of double takes, when you where throwing the 45 pound plates around a few weeks ago, I did a double take before I had a violent attack of the idiot shivers, because throwing weights around is so....I can't even think of the right word. Watching you work out when you are in jack ass mode is like watching a Fellini film if Fellini made films about huge but dorky gym rats. And no, Fellini didn't direct Saw III.

Could you please explain the benefits of 3 sets of running on the treadmill as fast as you can for 1 minute (while you grunt), followed by a 5 minute cool down of you strutting around the gym telling people how cool you are? Should I be working this into my workout?

A couple other miscellaneous things - The girl at the membership desk is a high school junior at best. The girl at the juice bar does not want to go out with you. The water fountain near the ab benches is for everyone. People who are not Raiders fans should be allowed to live. Sweating all over everything is disgusting. And it's OK to go home once in awhile - we all (and I mean all of us) need a break.

There is probably more, but I think I've written enough for you to get the drift. But I will leave you with this - the second biggest knob head in the gym is miles behind in every category of annoying. And I think he is going to Cal on a football scholarship.

Thanks,

Patrick