Saturday, November 13, 2010

Dear Santa

Date: 13 Nov, 2010

To: "Santa" <santa@northpole.org>

From:  "Patrick Mahoney" <17281posse@gmail.com>

RE:  Christmas List

Dear Santa,

It's been a long time since I've written.  In fact, the last time I wrote you was just after Thanksgiving in 1976.  I carefully composed my wish list, folded it into an envelope and brought it to the post office.  I remember being told by the postal clerk that it would take up to two weeks for delivery.  Of course, the clerk's comment made me worry that I had mailed it too late.  December of '76 was a tense one.

But these days...well you know as well as I do that the Christmas season starts earlier and earlier every year.  Today when Ian and I went to Home Depot, the Christmas Tree stand was just days away from opening.  Seeing this put Ian straight into the holiday spirit.  And his first order of business was to email you, which we did a couple of hours ago.

I find all of this a little bit funny.  Between the Christmas season starting earlier and the ability to email you, kids don't have to stress anymore.  In fact, I was a little shocked that Ian didn't immediately get an auto-reply saying that his list had been duly received and processed.  That said, maybe you recognize the value of anticipation and do that on purpose.

You might be wondering why I am referring to you as if you exist.  That's a fair question, so let me try to explain.  In 1977, my mom told me the "truth".  This was probably the first major shock I suffered in my life - The lies!!!  I remember sitting at the kitchen table crying as my body went completely numb.  My mind raced through a (short) lifetime of the suddenly false memories about you.  Sitting on your lap at the mall - I now knew this wasn't real.  Making sure that the fireplace gave you sufficient ingress and egress capability - I now knew this was for naught.  And though I still had no idea who'd actually been eating the cookies and drinking the milk, I knew it wasn't you.

Today I had a bit of an epiphany.  Because of Ian's infectious enthusiasm and total faith in the magic of the holidays, it occurred to me that even though my mom told me that you where not real, she didn't have the means to prove it.  But I was 8 years old and knew nothing about classic logical theory,  so I naturally just took her word for it.  However, I've learned one or two things in the last 33 years, and tonight the following thought occurred to me:

My mother told me that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
My mother could not prove that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
Santa Claus exists.

I know I'm taking some major liberties with modus tollens, but dare to dream, right?  Besides, this is a letter to you, not a thesis for a post graduate degree at MIT.  Further, many argue it's impossible to prove a negative.  So if examined in that context, it can't be proved that you don't exist.

Regardless of what's true or not true, I've got nothing to lose by emailing you.  I've been a pretty good boy this year, and all this training is making me feel younger and younger every day.  Given all this, maybe I still qualify for your consideration?  If so, here is my list:

Zipp Vuka Integrated Aerobar

I assume that since you have a lot of ground to cover over a 24 hour period, you know a few things about aerodynamics.  So I'm sure you'll agree that these aerobars look straight up fast.  Weighing in at only 860 grams, they won't add too much weight to your sleigh.  And when you consider the Zipp's provide 4 axes of adjustment with only 2 bolts and also claim to have the cleanest internal cable routing in the industry, you end up with some pretty nice aerobars. 

Newton Momentum Trail Shoe

OK, so I know I've been saying I really don't want these things.  But since you know everything, then you already know that I do actually want them.  The reason is simple:  I love my Newton Gravity's so much that I am actually really precious about where I run with them.  This means that trails are off limits.  I know this sounds crazy (especially coming from me), but I don't want to get them dirty.

On the other hand, Newton shoes make my feet happier than any other running shoes I've ever worn.  And since I'd love to spend some more time on the trails this winter and spring, I might as well break down and ask you for them.

Argyle Sweater Vest


I'm thinking that if you do exist, you've got a sense of humor.  How could you not?  You live in the coldest region on earth and are surrounded by elves.  And if this isn't enough, one night a year you are faced with the impossible task of circling the globe dropping off gifts.   Even the best urban Fedex driver only gets a few square miles to cover.  The stress you have to deal with must be incredibly high.  So I'm betting you deal with it by getting in as many laughs as possible.

If I see this sweater under the tree, I'll know I'm right about the sense of humor.  And everything else, too.

23 comments:

valen said...

ha ha ha ha ha..... still laughin'

Jill said...

I'm thinking those elves are busy busy busy making your list wishes come true! We just gotta believe in the magic!!

Chris K said...

How rad are those Newtons! Gotta love the padded heel yet the extremely low heel-to-toe drop caused by the front actuator lugs. My name is Chris and I am a geek.

Jennifer said...

Great post. I still remember the day I learned the horrifying news, I never really did believe in him and was just mostly concerned about the presents, when I found out they were still coming I didn't really care who brought them!

Kovas Palubinskas said...

What a restrained list, only 2 items considering the sweater is a given. Occam's Razor? Modus tollens? Did you get a part-time job teaching at OCC or something?

Jason said...

Grat list. I got to make a list with Chico last year and came to the realization that Santa does exist b/c he brouight the youthful abandon of Chico into my life. Karen and I gave him catalogs and he circled everything. Didn't matter if he knew what it was or not, just went wild and that is when I realized that my parents were wrong.

Have a great Sunday.

Caratunk Girl said...

This is awesome! Love it.

RockStarTri said...

I realized in this world of just in time inventory management, it might be that the early lists get fulfilled with first choices while the later ones may get argyle. It might be a variation on a theme where it may be a twin six argyle jersey or something like that.

How else could you explain the christmas carols already be playing in the stores?

Nice post. Now off to craft my list....

Julie said...

:) Still smiling:) Great list of things! Maybe I should try writing Santa too!

Megan said...

So THAT is Santa's email. Been wondering all this time. Need to get my list off soon. :) I found out Santa wasn't real when I saw the doll I got for Christmas on my parent's CC bill they left on the counter. I then wrote my Mom a letter saying that "I knew."

One Crazy Penguin said...

Hahaha I love the reasoning that you provide in this because it is the same argument/example that one of my old philosophy teachers used consistently! Hopefully santa brings you what you want and not a piece of coal!

ajh said...

Hey I love this post! I love Santa and I might decide to go with your theory! I better write my own letter.

There is nothing like Christmas through the eyes of a child.

misszippy said...

If you get the sweater, you must wear it and post a picture.

Shawn said...

Good Luck on getting what you want for Christmas....I also see you are giving Santa plenty of time to knit that sweater???

Colleen said...

Awesome post! hope you get what you want! :)

Christi said...

Love it!

Heather said...

Oh good. I wasn't the only who cried when I found out about Santa. Also I thought your reasoning was perfect.
You failed to tell Santa how good you were this year. Now I am aware he knows if you've been bad or good, but maybe sometimes a brief explanation of events is helpful to Santa.
I hope you get what you want and Ian does too.

lindsay said...

this was awesome. your christmas wishes have gotten a tad more expensive though! i hope you get 10 argyle sweaters and socks to match ;)

Lesley @ racingitoff.com said...

niiiiiiiiiiice... let us know how Santa replies. ;-)

Cynthia O'H said...

My oldest has his Santa list too. He questionned me the other day about how he can afford all of those things and told me what some of the kids at school say about him. I told him that once he stops believing Santa won't come visit him. He'll be writing Santa letters for years and years and years...

TRI714 said...

Well my son is 10 and I don't know if he's jacking with me or not. but as of two weeks ago he was talking about Santa. We'll see. Good luck with your booty ( or presents).

Emz said...

home depot. uggg.

vest - sending it to you today.

Ashlyn said...

Some great info here. You have been publishing some interesting posts recently!

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