To: "Santa" <email@example.com>
From: "Patrick Mahoney" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
RE: Christmas List
It's been a long time since I've written. In fact, the last time I wrote you was just after Thanksgiving in 1976. I carefully composed my wish list, folded it into an envelope and brought it to the post office. I remember being told by the postal clerk that it would take up to two weeks for delivery. Of course, the clerk's comment made me worry that I had mailed it too late. December of '76 was a tense one.
But these days...well you know as well as I do that the Christmas season starts earlier and earlier every year. Today when Ian and I went to Home Depot, the Christmas Tree stand was just days away from opening. Seeing this put Ian straight into the holiday spirit. And his first order of business was to email you, which we did a couple of hours ago.
I find all of this a little bit funny. Between the Christmas season starting earlier and the ability to email you, kids don't have to stress anymore. In fact, I was a little shocked that Ian didn't immediately get an auto-reply saying that his list had been duly received and processed. That said, maybe you recognize the value of anticipation and do that on purpose.
You might be wondering why I am referring to you as if you exist. That's a fair question, so let me try to explain. In 1977, my mom told me the "truth". This was probably the first major shock I suffered in my life - The lies!!! I remember sitting at the kitchen table crying as my body went completely numb. My mind raced through a (short) lifetime of the suddenly false memories about you. Sitting on your lap at the mall - I now knew this wasn't real. Making sure that the fireplace gave you sufficient ingress and egress capability - I now knew this was for naught. And though I still had no idea who'd actually been eating the cookies and drinking the milk, I knew it wasn't you.
Today I had a bit of an epiphany. Because of Ian's infectious enthusiasm and total faith in the magic of the holidays, it occurred to me that even though my mom told me that you where not real, she didn't have the means to prove it. But I was 8 years old and knew nothing about classic logical theory, so I naturally just took her word for it. However, I've learned one or two things in the last 33 years, and tonight the following thought occurred to me:
My mother told me that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
My mother could not prove that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
Santa Claus exists.
I know I'm taking some major liberties with modus tollens, but dare to dream, right? Besides, this is a letter to you, not a thesis for a post graduate degree at MIT. Further, many argue it's impossible to prove a negative. So if examined in that context, it can't be proved that you don't exist.
Regardless of what's true or not true, I've got nothing to lose by emailing you. I've been a pretty good boy this year, and all this training is making me feel younger and younger every day. Given all this, maybe I still qualify for your consideration? If so, here is my list:
|Zipp Vuka Integrated Aerobar|
I assume that since you have a lot of ground to cover over a 24 hour period, you know a few things about aerodynamics. So I'm sure you'll agree that these aerobars look straight up fast. Weighing in at only 860 grams, they won't add too much weight to your sleigh. And when you consider the Zipp's provide 4 axes of adjustment with only 2 bolts and also claim to have the cleanest internal cable routing in the industry, you end up with some pretty nice aerobars.
|Newton Momentum Trail Shoe|
OK, so I know I've been saying I really don't want these things. But since you know everything, then you already know that I do actually want them. The reason is simple: I love my Newton Gravity's so much that I am actually really precious about where I run with them. This means that trails are off limits. I know this sounds crazy (especially coming from me), but I don't want to get them dirty.
On the other hand, Newton shoes make my feet happier than any other running shoes I've ever worn. And since I'd love to spend some more time on the trails this winter and spring, I might as well break down and ask you for them.
|Argyle Sweater Vest|
I'm thinking that if you do exist, you've got a sense of humor. How could you not? You live in the coldest region on earth and are surrounded by elves. And if this isn't enough, one night a year you are faced with the impossible task of circling the globe dropping off gifts. Even the best urban Fedex driver only gets a few square miles to cover. The stress you have to deal with must be incredibly high. So I'm betting you deal with it by getting in as many laughs as possible.
If I see this sweater under the tree, I'll know I'm right about the sense of humor. And everything else, too.