Friday, December 31, 2010

Highlights/Deja Vu from 2010: The Gym

Today was one of those days that when I walked into the gym it became instantly clear to me that the world was out of balance.  That is to say there were way too many knuckleheads there, and it was game on for them.  I was going to write an open letter raging on these guys, but then I realized I had already done so in March.  So here is the post from March again, and it still pretty much applies word for word:



Dear Guy At The Gym,

You are a bad ass, of that there is no doubt. You are ripped and you look tough. Don't think I haven't noticed the new tattoo either, because I have. And even though black ink tribal work went out of style maybe 10 years ago, I do admit that the curves in the design compliment your (what would you call this?) "arm muscle profile" quite well.

Please read the first two sentences of the first paragraph again. By the way, a "sentence" is made up of all the words before a dot - so stop reading after 2 dots.

Done? Good. I want you to understand something.  I'm not the only one who knows you are a bad ass, are ripped and look tough. Everyone at the gym knows this. In fact, anyone who walks into the gym for 15 seconds when you are in there most likely picks up on this.

So you can stop being an a**hole.

I'm pretty sure you are training for some sort of mixed martial arts competition, so I get the cockiness. But this is Huntington Beach, and I can think of at least 3 gyms that specialize in MMA training. So why are you coming here?

Moving on...

Everyone does a double take when that older guy comes into the gym in 4 inch pumps and lipstick. I mean, the guy sticks out, well, like a guy in 4 inch pumps and lipstick. Hell, I may have done a triple take the first time I saw him. But the difference between you and me as it relates to this guy is that this guy is not afraid of me.

And speaking of double takes, when you where throwing the 45 pound plates around a few weeks ago, I did one myself before I had a violent attack of the idiot shivers, because throwing weights around is so....I can't even think of the right word. Watching you work out when you are in jack ass mode is like watching a Fellini film if Fellini made films about huge but dorky gym rats. And no, Fellini didn't direct Saw III.

I'm also glad I'm not a girl between the ages of 21 and 25. Because you are really creepy.  Yet you are oddly unaware of this.  I know I shouldn't be surprised by this, but silly me - there I go trying to see the good in everyone again.

Could you please explain the benefits of 3 sets of running on the treadmill as fast as you can for 1 minute (while you grunt), followed by a 5 minute cool down with you strutting around the gym telling people how cool you are? Should I be working this into my training?  I'm talking about the cool down.

A couple other miscellaneous things - The girl at the membership desk is a high school junior at best. The girl at the juice bar does not want to go out with you. The water fountain near the ab benches is for everyone. People who are not in the Raider Nation should be allowed to live. Sweating all over everything is disgusting. And it's OK to go home once in awhile - we all (and I mean all of us) need a break.

There is probably more, but I think I've written enough for you to get the drift. But I will leave you with this - the second biggest knob head in the gym is miles behind you in every category of annoying. And I think he is going to Cal on a football scholarship.

Thanks,

Patrick

29 comments:

Johann said...

Ha, I really enjoyed reading this! I have never trained in a gym. I plan to keep it that way.

Stephanie Anne said...

haha LOVED it! loved the creepy part, definitely creepy.

DRog said...

HAhahahahaha

Im so glad you reposted this

HILARIOUS

entire "miscellaneous things" by far my favorite paragraph....tho arm muscle profile was hard to beat:)
hahahaha still laughing

D

EZEthan said...

As poignant now as it was the first time you published it... although sometimes in the past when I've done speed work or tempo runs on the treadmill at the gym and all my clothing as well as a 5 foot radius around me is drenched in sweat, I wonder what other people are thinking about me...

Kovas Palubinskas said...

Loved this post before, I'm sure you could pull it out most every time you hit the gym. Maybe scrap the membership and use the money to set up something at home?

Jeff - DangleTheCarrot said...

"I'm also glad I'm not a girl between the ages of 15 and 25. Because you are really creepy. Yet you are oddly unaware of this."

Fixed that part for you (-:

Shawn said...

Don't judge all Raider Fans by this goof...mind you, they usually put the really crazy ones on TV...have we seen him there?

Hang in there Patrick...it's soon to be brand new year!!

Christi said...

That is great post! Can we also add the guy at the gym who cannot swim but must do it everyday! Or how about the guy who just stares at all the women! Creepy men!

Jason said...

We are on the same page. Most people will complain about the resoltioners but it is these guys that annoy me more.

As a matter of fact I was at the gym getting ready to swim. I walk into the sink area of the locker room and there is conan and conan jr reading from their phones to one another about 'this girl' and 'that chick' but in all honesty I am not sure if their jaw muscles were overworked or couldn't read b/c none of it was understandable.

When the clock strikes 12a may your family and you be happy and safe. Happy New Year and keep doing what you do.

misszippy said...

Oh so true! Can you print this and pin it up at the front desk?

Julie said...

Patrick ~ That was just TOO good :-)

Diana Tries-A-Tri! said...

hahahaha, yep, my gym has a couple of those. Complete with tribal tattoos. AND a guy who sprints for a minute then just stands around in the weight area. I've never understood.

Karen said...

I am pretty sure I saw the 5 min cool down strut in one of the plans on beginner triathlete. Or maybe not...

Colleen said...

That is fantastic! You need to send this letter the to d-bags at my gym... :)

TRI714 said...

And yet he has time to make it over to my Gym also. Only at my gym he brings several friends with him. So in reality he does leave, he just goes from gym to gym.

Freakin classic dude.Truth be told, this type of guy is the reason I made my way upstairs to train in an empty room by myself. Not because I'm scared of them. Although they are scary. But because I'm embaressed for them.

Glenn Jones said...

Had to do a second take. I thought you were talking about the 24 hournfitness in Fashion Island....

Lesley @ racingitoff.com said...

Bwahahahaha... but as annoying as these peeps are, there is nothing I love more than hitting the gym the first Monday of a new year and smiling at all the new people that have decided to get themselves to the gym... no matter how unfit. (Of course this is usually followed by sadness less than a month later when I realize they are no longer there!)

Aimee said...

Ha ha..this was awesome..even the 2nd time around! :0

Have a happy New Year!

Cynthia O'H said...

Sadly, I think every gym has some jerk like this. Tattoos, ripped muscles and attitude are so unbecoming.
Please, don't work any of his treadmill intervals or discus moves into your own training.
And, I bet he smells too!

Jess @ Blonde Ponytail said...

Bahahahaha! Stated perfectly!! I think we all can relate to running into this "meathead" at a gym!

Can I get a Spot?!!!

Jill said...

I actually find these guys mildly amusing, gives me something to laugh at while I'm doing weights, which bore me to tears. Well, until the a**hole told me to hurry up once when I was on a machine I was using, cuz he only had 30 seconds between sets and I was going to mess up his routine. God forbid!

Barbie said...

That was so damn hilarious. I could almost visualise this beefcake idiot walking around like a total tool.
One day he will WAKEUP and realise how big of a fool he is.

Raegun said...

This is the reason why, when most head to the gym to make their monthly monetary donation on Jan 1st, I will chose NOT to go to the gym. LOL. I missed this the first time around - thanks for the repost.

Kathleen said...

Great post. And so true.
Happy New Year!

Megan said...

You are spot on there. Love your comment that you're happy you're not 21-25...those guys TOTALLY give me the creeps, they LOVE to stare even though I'm dripping in sweat and probably spit running everywhere... Happy near year, by the way!

Pretend this is real said...

Ahahaha! LOVE the letter.

Chris K said...

Freakig hilarious. My gym in Solana Beach is way more mellow so there are but a scant few of the guys you describe. There is one guy so in love with his abs/pecs that EVERY possible change he gets, he walks around without his shirt. Including walking to and from his car.

Adrienne said...

HA! Did not see this post the first time. I wish I could go to your gym, sounds so entertaining. Nothing better than people watching while running a few :)

Austin said...

awesome post. disguise a link to it as an ed hardy discount coupon and he might actually read it by accident...

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