Highlights/Deja Vu from 2010: The Gym

Today was one of those days that when I walked into the gym it became instantly clear to me that the world was out of balance.  That is to say there were way too many knuckleheads there, and it was game on for them.  I was going to write an open letter raging on these guys, but then I realized I had already done so in March.  So here is the post from March again, and it still pretty much applies word for word:



Dear Guy At The Gym,

You are a bad ass, of that there is no doubt. You are ripped and you look tough. Don't think I haven't noticed the new tattoo either, because I have. And even though black ink tribal work went out of style maybe 10 years ago, I do admit that the curves in the design compliment your (what would you call this?) "arm muscle profile" quite well.

Please read the first two sentences of the first paragraph again. By the way, a "sentence" is made up of all the words before a dot - so stop reading after 2 dots.

Done? Good. I want you to understand something.  I'm not the only one who knows you are a bad ass, are ripped and look tough. Everyone at the gym knows this. In fact, anyone who walks into the gym for 15 seconds when you are in there most likely picks up on this.

So you can stop being an a**hole.

I'm pretty sure you are training for some sort of mixed martial arts competition, so I get the cockiness. But this is Huntington Beach, and I can think of at least 3 gyms that specialize in MMA training. So why are you coming here?

Moving on...

Everyone does a double take when that older guy comes into the gym in 4 inch pumps and lipstick. I mean, the guy sticks out, well, like a guy in 4 inch pumps and lipstick. Hell, I may have done a triple take the first time I saw him. But the difference between you and me as it relates to this guy is that this guy is not afraid of me.

And speaking of double takes, when you where throwing the 45 pound plates around a few weeks ago, I did one myself before I had a violent attack of the idiot shivers, because throwing weights around is so....I can't even think of the right word. Watching you work out when you are in jack ass mode is like watching a Fellini film if Fellini made films about huge but dorky gym rats. And no, Fellini didn't direct Saw III.

I'm also glad I'm not a girl between the ages of 21 and 25. Because you are really creepy.  Yet you are oddly unaware of this.  I know I shouldn't be surprised by this, but silly me - there I go trying to see the good in everyone again.

Could you please explain the benefits of 3 sets of running on the treadmill as fast as you can for 1 minute (while you grunt), followed by a 5 minute cool down with you strutting around the gym telling people how cool you are? Should I be working this into my training?  I'm talking about the cool down.

A couple other miscellaneous things - The girl at the membership desk is a high school junior at best. The girl at the juice bar does not want to go out with you. The water fountain near the ab benches is for everyone. People who are not in the Raider Nation should be allowed to live. Sweating all over everything is disgusting. And it's OK to go home once in awhile - we all (and I mean all of us) need a break.

There is probably more, but I think I've written enough for you to get the drift. But I will leave you with this - the second biggest knob head in the gym is miles behind you in every category of annoying. And I think he is going to Cal on a football scholarship.

Thanks,

Patrick

Rant

What a complete sucker I am.  When I realized I was a lard ass and that it was time to do something about it, I began to spend countless hours sweating my butt off putting mile after mile behind me by swimming, biking and running.  And it hasn't been cheap - bikes, running shoes, clothing, race fees, nutrition and the countless other pieces of gear that I have needed (or just wanted) have cost me a small fortune.

If I had only known about the Slim Tee.  For $19.95 I could have had instant gratification and saved thousands of dollars.  Instead of having to do all that work, the Slim Tee would have offered me a license to fake it.  The Slim Tee would have also allowed me to take no real responsibility for my health.  After all, the subtext of this commercial is that there's no shame in doing absolutely nothing to try and change your habits.  Why waste time that can be put to better use by sitting on your ass when a smaller waist size can be achieved in seconds?

As to the other benefits of fitness:

Renewed self esteem? - Not worth the effort.

A real sense of accomplishment? - Overrated.

Good health that may lead to a longer, happier, life for you and loved ones?  - Whatever.  Pass me the cheese fries, (expletive).  Because football season is starting.  And if I've got my fat gut stuffed into a Slim Tee, I'll be able to flirt with the waitress at Chili's (as long as my face isn't stuck in the middle of a plate of nachos when she walks by).

I'm sorry, but I just don't get it.  Actually, I do get it, I just wish it wasn't true.  For me, losing 80 + pounds is way up there on my list of the all-time awesome things I've done, and it was more than worth the fight.  If this product wasn't so pathetic, I'd be offended.  And it's not even the shirt that really bothers me, it's the two minutes of complete BS dialog in the commercial.  Strike when people are desperate and they will fall.  

I read blogs every day written by people who are in the process of losing weight the honest way.  And though we all struggle once in awhile, there is always one thing in common  - no one EVER bitches about the work or complains about how losing weight sucks.  People who are committed to good health tend to be really committed to good health.  And with the commitment comes passion and the desire to help others.  The Slim Tee doesn't come with new friends and a support group, that's for sure.

I'm preaching to the choir, but let's remember that compression garments are to help heal muscles thrashed from exercise and nothing else.