Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Me v. Fedex/Kinkos

OK, I'll admit that my behavior today at Fedex Kinko's was a little out character.  I feel bad about what I said to the store employee, as he was just doing his job.  That said, there is a policy I am bringing into question, which is the policy that Fedex Ground packages can't be packed in Fedex Express materials.  This is stupid.  So stupid, in fact, that I've never met a driver who cared what my package was in.  Yet, there seems to be one person who takes this policy very seriously - the Color Copier Guy.


After I'm done with this PDF I'll shove this monitor up your A**.






INT. DAY - FEDEX KINKOS

A busy Fedex Kinkos.  It is buzzing with the day-to-day commerce of those who just need a few copies, a couple of pages faxed or help with an ambitious Valentine's Day card project.  Customers move about under the watchful eye of the tonal blue golf shirt wearing employees.  Fedex Kinkos is THE nexus of incremental technology services, and these men and women are the gate-keepers.

PATRICK enters through the front door.  In his hands are 3 envelopes, all marked as Fedex Express packaging, and all with Fedex Ground Airbills.

Patrick is acutely aware that these packages are improperly packaged and thus sneaks to the left side, drops them amongst the other outgoing packages, and even moves a larger box over to conceal his a bit.  When he is done, he begins to retrace his steps towards the door, staying out of sight as much as possible behind the self service copier bank.  Twenty feet from the door, he hears a voice call out.
COLOR COPIER GUY:
(Speaking loud.  It's contextually obvious he's talking to Patrick)
Hey, are these packages express?
Patrick continues to move towards the door, with a slight uptick in his speed.
PATRICK:
(mumbling)
I dunno dude, they are not mine, I'm doing someone a favor...

COLOR COPIER GUY:
(loud)
Hey, these are ground packages.  And they are improperly packaged.  I'm gonna need you take them back and repackage them.
Patrick slows and turns towards the counter, though he continues to back towards the door.  He notices that everyone in the store is already staring at him - copies, faxes and Valentines cards momentarily forgotten.

PATRICK:
I can't

COLOR COPIER GUY:
Why?

PATRICK:
Because they are not mine

COLOR COPIER GUY:
Well who's are they?

PATRICK:
My friend's.  Like I said I am doing him a favor.

COLOR COPIER GUY:
Well I can't ship them.

PATRICK:
Well I dunno dude, return them then.  I'm just the messenger.

COLOR COPIER GUY:
Can't do that.

PATRICK:
OK, well what do you want me to say?  Throw them away?  I'm not taking them back.  I don't have time.

By this point Patrick has stopped 5 feet from the door.  The store is quiet.  Patrick's arms are tucked in behind his back to suggest that even if he wanted to take the packages back he couldn't due to a lack of available carrying capacity.
COLOR COPIER GUY:
You need to take them.

PATRICK:
Look man, I don't know the deal with my friends account, but MY driver takes MY packages all the time regardless of packaging.  He doesn't care.  He's moving and shaking and getting it done.  Small infractions don't bother him.  As a matter of pride he is unloading and loading that truck everyday.  That's his thing.

COLOR COPIER GUY:
I understand your driver may do that but it is the policy of...

PATRICK
(cutting COLOR COPIER GUY off)
Policy?  Do you want me to tell my friend to change his policy and use UPS?  He probably spends fifty grand a year with you guys.  Do you want to be the guy responsible for fifty grand in revenue going bye-bye?  Do you?  Seriously dude, don't worry about it.  Doesn't the copier need a new magenta ink cartridge or something?  You need to get on that instead of show-downing with me about packages that neither of us really care about just because you think my friend screwed your bosses out of twenty five cents in free packaging.
COLOR COPIER GUY:
Hey!
Patrick turns towards the door and walks out.

PATRICK:
I gotta GO!

FADE









19 comments:

Aimee said...

That is a pretty stupid policy! Did you really tell him that he needed to put in a new magenta ink cartridge somewhere?! Oh my... ha ha!

Emz said...

enter Emz:

I've. freaking. got. this. Up. yours.

[two. finger. salute]

brussel sprouts.

Laurie said...

I would've loved to see that go down live, although the written reenactment was quite entertaining on its own.

Shannon (IronTexasMommy) said...

Bwhahahaha! That guy had no idea what he had coming. What happened to the customer is always right?

TRI714 said...

Still laughing, because I can see you there with your hands behind your back mocking the crap out of him. LOL !!

Kate said...

I have to admit that I feel a little sorry for the Fed Ex guy. Who hasn't been a low-level functionary trying to enforce someone else's BS rules? It sucks.

That said, my favorite part: "Patrick's arms are tucked in behind his back to suggest that even if he wanted to take the packages back he couldn't due to a lack of available carrying capacity."

Lora Abernathy said...

Frustrating!!!

Mandi said...

Bahahah. No way. You rule.

Thanks for the smiles!!

Kovas said...

Perhaps a Surly Long Haul Trucker would help with the carrying capacity problem?

She said I need a goal said...

"Patrick's arms are tucked in behind his back to suggest that even if he wanted to take the packages back he couldn't due to a lack of available carrying capacity."

STILL laughing at this.. I can see it! and I don't even know you.

Tough Chik said...

I hope that wasn't my tank top. HAHAHA!

Diana Tries-A-Tri! said...

Oh to be a fly on the wall of that exchange! I bet you at least three other people in that store were thinking the same thing.

Pretend this is real said...

Darn! Diana beat me to it. I was gonna say the same thing!

Chris K said...

Maybe b/c I work for The Man, but sorry Patrick, I'm siding with FedEx on this one. If they are in Express Packing, even with the Ground Airbills, they will most likly be shipped Expressed at Ground cost. I hope this doesn't mean you won't give me a ride to S2S in April

Jill said...

Tell Chris K there are plenty of Grayhounds from LA to SJ!

Ironman By Thirty said...

Sounds like someone needs to improve their transition times! Get in and out faster and you won't have to deal with the Color Copier Guy. :)

Kate said...

Aww, poor Fed Ex guy. He probably didn't want to get the wrath of his boss.

But what a pain in the ass! A package is a package. Fed Ex needs to get their shit together.

Jason said...

Guess it has been sometime since I was here but I am digging the new look.

And my favorite is the hands behind the back move....hilarious!

Glenn Jones said...

Lol! I wonder if there is a little speck of brain in that head of his. Maybe it's the beard. Nothing like turning business away!

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